in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
