The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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