I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
