The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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