im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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