the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize