That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
