Betty ford says i'm here all night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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