Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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