sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
