I am spending my child support on dildos
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
