Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
