mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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