Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
