I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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