i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
