Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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