Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
