We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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