I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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