just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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