i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
