You can't special order awesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
