I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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