I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
