Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
