Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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