why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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