Yo dont text me then not text me
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
