I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
