I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
