He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
