After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
