What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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