Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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