found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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