You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
