After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need to align my fucking chakras
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
