A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
