rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
