u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
