i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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