bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
