Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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