you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
