I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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