Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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