so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
