i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
