So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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