Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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