Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
