Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
