In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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