Someone shit on the floor
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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