god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
