it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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