I murdered the dance floor call the cops
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
